You Say the Nicest Things...

Salesman; "There's no question that you are the strictest boss I've ever had! I can't go to the bathroom without worrying that I'm doing something wrong."

Me; "That's one of the nicest things you've ever said to me."

Salesman; "Really?"

Me; "Yes. That statement and the word 'Goodbye' are both equally pleasurable when they're coming out of your mouth."

Fishing With Stupid Bait...

Me; "The reason I wanted to speak with you privately is that your fellow salespeople are ready to burn you at the stake for hawking leads and generally acting like a jackass."

Salesman; "I really didn't mean to take someone's customer, I was just walking the lot and..."

Me; "You KNOW we have a rotation right?"

Salesman; "Yes sir"

Me; "You KNOW it wasn't your turn right?"

Salesman; "Yes sir. I'll go apologize to the guys and make it right."

Me; "No need. I told them you were mentally delayed and a little tone deaf to social norms. The great thing is that the ridiculous shirt you're wearing and that stupid look on your face confirmed what I was telling them and they bought it, hook, line and sinker!"

She's a Princess... with a nasty case of leprosy.

Friend; "I have to say, and don't get pissed, but your truck is a nightmare wrapped in a dream and dipped in crazy!"


Me; "How Dare You! That's my leprosy princess!"


Friend; "I'm just sayin..."


Me; "Shut your filthy pie suck! My truck is a princess... just getting off work at the Nighty Night strip club/ title loan house. She just wants a nice All Star Breakfast at the Waffle House and someone to power sand her corns while she smokes her Camel Light and gently falls asleep watching The Price is Right!


Don't judge me and don't judge my princess!"

Math and Mistakes...

Me; "It looks like you have 73 past due follow up calls to make. Please catch that up as soon as you can."

Salesman; "Are you sure? I didn't think I even had that many customers!"

Me; "How many customers did you think you had?"

Salesman; "I don't know, 40 or 50?"

Me; "Well, you actually have 78 customers in the system since you were hired. That being said and since it looks like you have only called back 5 customers according to my records, can you tell me why the other 35 to 45 imaginary customers didn't get a call back?"

Salesman; "I see your point..."

Child Labor Woes...

One of these is woefully inept and requires grammatical and punctuation assistance to be a coherent communication to an adult.

The other is written by a 7 year old and it's just fine...


If it weren't for child labor laws, I'd have an office for the latter. Clear, well written and conversationally written. Excellent job Shelby... As for the other...

Fruit Tree of Professionalism...

Salesman; "... I don't see what's wrong with it the way I wrote it!"

Me; "I can see that, but it baffles me that we have to go over this again."

Salesman; "I write like I talk and I'm just going to be straight forward no matter what."

Me; "All I'm saying is when you write, 'WTF is up with this guy.' in an email to your boss, you have to expect a call sooner or later." It's just short of the low hanging fruit I like to think of as professionalism."

Tribal Writing Skills...

Salesperson; "I don't get why you are always bothering me about my spelling and punctuation on (stuff) like emails!"

Me; "Maybe it's because you are always messing them up!"

Salesperson; "What are you, my English teacher?"

Me; "That's impossible."

Salesperson: "You're right, It's impossible because I'm older than you and..."

Me; "No, it's impossible because with writing like this, I refuse to believe you were taught by any teacher at all. In fact, I was torn between wolves and a remote South American tribe that fears literacy and worships rocks."